Now I should say before you all start worrying, I love my country (especially my coastal town on the English Riviera) when the sun is shining; I have gorgeous scenery around my place. However, there are just a few niggles that get me hating the British Summer….
The leather-skinned water balloons of a 60 year old in her vest top kicking them with her knees – it’s just wrong.
Similar to boobs but these are adorned by the male species in a tight t-shirt two sizes too smaller, usually resting on these…
3. Beer guts a.k.a. beer babies
Again, worn by the men proudly displayed under the same tight shirt to let the ladies know that they can hold their liquor and be proud of it.
4. Orange Peel
No, I’m not talking about what’s in the fruit aisle but the stuff on women’s butts. I’ve got no problem with The Peel (we all have it) but if you look like an orange grove and still think you look good with it in a bikini at age 60 you better get some new glasses.
5. Hankerchief hats
We’re not in WWII anymore so take them off and slap some sun cream on your cue ball head; you look like an idiot.
6. The Show Offs
Not specific to either sex, these are the Egyptian Cats of the summer; the more skin on show the better. For women that means walking around in short shorts (riding up their ass) with just a bikini on and for men it means walking anywhere from the supermarket through to main roads shirtless. Ditch the pint and use the money to buy a top.
7. Tan lines
There’s nothing wrong with small strip and triangle lines (I’ll let your imagination think about that). It’s when you spend all day in the sun with a strappy top on then wear a strapless top the next day looking like you’ve been painted white with a stencil. Sunbathe strapless/topless or fake tan it. Either way; fix it.*
*Disclaimer: these are wild generalisations but if I ever meet you one on one I’ll be polite and may even like you unless you do points 1, 2, 3, 5, 6 and 7.