Sometimes in life everything just stops. Something happens and you just stop living.
At the beginning of February, something happened in my life and overnight, I stopped living. I suffered a breakdown and needed weeks off work and time away from all aspects of the world.
I lost myself.
I wanted to use those weeks to get better but instead didn’t leave my house for days at a time. I wanted to go running, eat well, spend time with friends and read; all the things I felt I needed to do to put myself back together again but I barely had the energy to even speak. No song sang the words I wanted to hear, no movie captured my emotions and no written words could tempt me to read them.
I was broken with no idea how to fix myself. But I was still fighting. Fighting in something I believed in:
Too many people in the world forget they have them and that they have every right to defend them when they’re being questioned or ignored. Fighting for justice and what I believe in almost broke me and I wondered if I could keep going but I wasn’t prepared to lay down and give up. I wasn’t prepared to settle.
There are not many things in life we can truly control; if there was, life wouldn’t be called an adventure. There is something we can always control, however; self. We can control ourselves. We can choose to lay down and die when the fight consumes and overwhelms us or we can choose to fight with every fibre of our being and die trying. I fought.
And I won.
After almost 11 weeks of having my reputation, integrity and honesty questioned, I won the battle, yet I can’t feel truly happy about it. I may have won but at what cost?
When I was home, days slipped by in routine mist and nights crawled through time waiting for the inevitable thoughts that would keep me awake crying until dawn. I had no energy to lift a fork or will to open my computer. I ignored friends, avoided family and hid from both the online and real world.
So am I happy that I have won the battle? No. Am I happy that I suffered so that I could stay true to myself and hold my head up high at the end of it?! More than I could tell you.
Staying true to yourself and fighting for what you believe in is something that you can never give up on or have taken from you.
In my darkest time, I had my first tarot reading. I went in with an open mind and broken heart and came out with a sense of peace and determination to continue taking my life in the right direction.
My cards affirmed everything I had been going through; that my ‘world had collapsed’ and that I was betrayed by people I called friends.
They told me that I was in one of the darkest periods of my life. And then they mentioned new beginnings. A LOT of new beginnings. They talked about travel too. And then they produced the final card; The World. The signal of the end of bad times and the beginning of good ones and the most strongly positive indication for longterm travel. I knew then that I was taking my life in the right direction and that Australia is going to happen because I’m going to make it happen!
I found my inner peace again.
And whilst I continued to fight at this point, I knew that what the cards were saying was true; that it would come to an end soon and I would see the light of my new beginnings.
But then I realised that the cards weren’t right; I was. Believing in myself and fighting for the very principles that make me who I am are the reasons I won. When I was broken, I had no control over how I felt or how I stopped living but I did have control over whether or not I gave up or continued to fight.
I’m not happy that I’ve won; I’ve made too many sacrifices and it’s cost me so much but whilst the outcome of winning may be grossly under-valued in comparison to how much I gave up to win, I can hold my head high knowing that I did everything in my power to be heard and that I never gave up on myself.
You can’t always control the outcome but you can ALWAYS choose to fight.