It’s hard to imagine that it’s been a year since I lost you; a whole 365 days of an emotional rollercoaster I will never be able to forget and wouldn’t want to.
So much has happened and you’ve missed so much…
You already know that I lost I your dad before I lost you which both broke my heart and made me want to cancel my adventure but what you probably don’t know is that in losing you I found the courage to leave. I didn’t want to talk about you when you left (I’m sorry – it was just too hard) and because of that my family walked away at a time when I needed them the most; that anger was the push I needed to get on the plane and I’m so glad I did.
With a strength and determination I didn’t realise I had, I achieved things I never thought possible.
I discovered Tokyo on my own seeing Mount Fuji in all its glory and had the most random but fun weekend of my life in Hong Kong but missed you like crazy in Thailand. That’s where I learnt to dive and spent a week on a liveaboard boat diving in the most beautiful places you could ever imagine. I was so at peace with myself and my life surrounded by whales, sharks and manta rays and was so happy I shed a few tears whilst falling asleep under the stars. I danced the nights away on Koh Tao, made a friend for life in Singapore and became an adrenaline junkie in Bali doing everything from elephant trekking to white water river rafting and climbing an active volcano to watch the sun rise.
I did all of that because you were born an angel but I would have been just as happy if you had said ‘hello’ in August and I had never had the opportunity to go. But, for whatever reason, you decided that it wasn’t the right time to meet me and instead gave me the greatest gift of all – the chance to explore myself and the world and because of you I’m now going on another adventure this year with a plan to emigrate as soon as I can. None of it would have been possible if it weren’t for you Sweetpea.
That’s not to say that I didn’t miss you like crazy when I came back. I spent my days wishing you were with me and my nights dreaming about you. Every street had a memory of your dad and every person reminded me of the hurt and anger I felt before I left so despite feeling like I had begun to mend my heart towards the end of the trip, felt like I broke it all over again. August came and went without you as friends and family were meeting their own Sweetpeas and I tortured myself with ‘what if’ not understanding why you came to me if you had already decided to say goodbye. I missed you at Christmas too thinking about the fun you would have had playing with wrapping paper and boxes finding it difficult to comprehend just how different life would have been if you had said hello.
I will always remember you on special days – the day you said goodbye and when you should have had your birthday as well as Christmas’s and special times in your life wondering about the type of person you will grow into and what kind of mother I would have become but I think I’ve finally finished grieving so it’s time I said a final goodbye.
Wherever I am and go in the world you will still be with me.
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