Wtf? It feels like I turned 25 last week and instantly allowed myself to start freaking out about EVERYTHING and I’m not enjoying the free-fall in my head. If I do this, what will happen with that? I can’t do that if I want to do this! What am I going to do about……(fill in the blanks)?
When it comes to the true cost of Africa, if you look up naivety in the dictionary, you’ll probably find a photo of moi. My 6.5 weeks of bucket list overload is probably going to cost me roughly £2000 over what I thought it would (and what I actually have). I tried to sob to my mother and all I got in return was ‘well at least you’ve learnt your lesson’ – yeah, thanks for the ever present maternal support there. Nothing wrong with the debt you say, since I’ve got a job to come back to; I can pay off my loan/credit card fairly easily. Yes, I can BUT it will then push back my working holidays in Oz/NZ back by at least another 18 months to 2 years and I’m not sure I have enough soul left for the cubicle at work to carrying on having a lunch buffet from.
I came back from Asia last year June and I was severely depressed until around January of this year and I’m not sure I can go through that again. Sure delayed grieving didn’t help but it was the simple fact that I was home that I hated. The thought alone of having to wait up to another 2 years to travel fills me with tears. Don’t get me wrong, I am not ungrateful for the opportunities I’ve had to travel; I’m just impatient and frustrated. I want to leave NOW and I don’t have the money. Add to the fact that I can’t turn to mum for support because a) she’s poorer than me and needs money to mend the apartment whilst I’m ‘just’ travelling with my money and b) she’s jealous because she didn’t get the opportunities I’ve had to travel when she was younger (her words) and that none of my friends have travelled so don’t ‘get’ it and my head can sometimes feel like a really lonely place.
If I want to do Australia and New Zealand for two years each, with the age cut off for working visa applications being 30, theoretically I have just 2 years to get out of this country. And then I worry that in the time it takes to get out there I will have become trapped like last time. Fallen for a guy that, before you know it, takes 5 years out of your life and inadvertently stops you living your dreams BUT at the same time I don’t want to leave it too long to settle down and have a child because that is my ultimate bucket list item. Then I worry that if I become a travelling family I will have no ‘home’ or ‘inheritance’ to pass on.
You see???? You see what the f*** is going on in my head right now? I’ve just turned 25 and I’m already worried about dying at 85 after hyperventilating myself into a heart attack leaving my children with nothing! And then I go full circle and say that all of the above is EXACTLY the reason I want to go travelling; I found true happiness on the road (well, water actually), my Zen state if you like and when I felt the tears of happiness roll down my cheeks I realised that I wanted to travel for the rest of my life. If I travel and find my true happiness again, I’m hoping I won’t sound like a neurotic mess anymore.
I need to travel; my sanity and soul depends on it. How about you, why do YOU need to travel?