I’m so unfunny it’s laughable

Wtf? It feels like I turned 25 last week and instantly allowed myself to start freaking out about EVERYTHING and I’m not enjoying the free-fall in my head. If I do this, what will happen with that? I can’t do that if I want to do this! What am I going to do about……(fill in the blanks)?

When it comes to the true cost of Africa, if you look up naivety in the dictionary, you’ll probably find a photo of moi. My 6.5 weeks of bucket list overload is probably going to cost me roughly £2000 over what I thought it would (and what I actually have). I tried to sob to my mother and all I got in return was ‘well at least you’ve learnt your lesson’ – yeah, thanks for the ever present maternal support there. Nothing wrong with the debt you say, since I’ve got a job to come back to; I can pay off my loan/credit card fairly easily. Yes, I can BUT it will then push back my working holidays in Oz/NZ back by at least another 18 months to 2 years and I’m not sure I have enough soul left for the cubicle at work to carrying on having a lunch buffet from.

I came back from Asia last year June and I was severely depressed until around January of this year and I’m not sure I can go through that again. Sure delayed grieving didn’t help but it was the simple fact that I was home that I hated. The thought alone of having to wait up to another 2 years to travel fills me with tears. Don’t get me wrong, I am not ungrateful for the opportunities I’ve had to travel; I’m just impatient and frustrated. I want to leave NOW and I don’t have the money. Add to the fact that I can’t turn to mum for support because a) she’s poorer than me and needs money to mend the apartment whilst I’m ‘just’ travelling with my money and b) she’s jealous because she didn’t get the opportunities I’ve had to travel when she was younger (her words) and that none of my friends have travelled so don’t ‘get’ it and my head can sometimes feel like a really lonely place.

If I want to do Australia and New Zealand for two years each, with the age cut off for working visa applications being 30, theoretically I have just 2 years to get out of this country. And then I worry that in the time it takes to get out there I will have become trapped like last time. Fallen for a guy that, before you know it, takes 5 years out of your life and inadvertently stops you living your dreams BUT at the same time I don’t want to leave it too long to settle down and have a child because that is my ultimate bucket list item. Then I worry that if I become a travelling family I will have no ‘home’ or ‘inheritance’ to pass on.

You see???? You see what the f*** is going on in my head right now? I’ve just turned 25 and I’m already worried about dying at 85 after hyperventilating myself into a heart attack leaving my children with nothing! And then I go full circle and say that all of the above is EXACTLY the reason I want to go travelling; I found true happiness on the road (well, water actually), my Zen state if you like and when I felt the tears of happiness roll down my cheeks I realised that I wanted to travel for the rest of my life. If I travel and find my true happiness again, I’m hoping I won’t sound like a neurotic mess anymore.

I need to travel; my sanity and soul depends on it. How about you, why do YOU need to travel?

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  1. Just go!! I know its terrifying but the thing I regret the most is spending 6 months in the UK saving to go travelling. I had a rubbish job which really got me down and all I could think about was travelling. When I arrived in OZ, I’d spent all my money in Asia so got another rubbish job there. Well, not too rubbish but just telesales. But for some reason I was ecstatic! I was so pleased to be in Australia and was having so much fun that I didn’t care what I did. Australian wages are also brilliant so you’ll save more over there anyway and you’ll have a much better time in the process!

  2. toni (cyber hug)… I dont know why and I hate to say this but like you “my sanity depends on travelling” I dont even know how to explain it… its just like that… im sure you’ll find a way…

  3. I’m betting you’ll work it out. I only know you through you blog and tweets- but you seem clever- and driven- and that will work out well for you.

    I did a lot of traveling in my 20s and early 30s and paying off that debt now is what is keeping me off the road more than I would like. Was it worth it? Hell, yeah!

    It will come to you- just keep believing!

  4. Flip – thanks for the cyber hug – very much appreciated =) It sounds like you and I have a lot in common when it comes to how our minds work – it’s good to know that I’m not alone.

  5. Monica – thanks for the encouragement sweet; you’ve just enforced to me that I definitely have to get out there and live life whilst I still can (before I die of that heart attack lol). I just worry that by the time I’ve paid off my debts and done a few other expensive things that need to be checked off that it will take me forever to get over there, meanwhile the cubicle is eating my soul. I definitely think just the fact that you’re in Oz in the sun etc with their relaxed way of life can make anyone feel happy. Thanks for making me realise that it’s definitely worth it =)

  6. Erik – thank you for the kind words; I do believe I’ll get there, the panic just sets in occasionally =) I’m glad to hear that the debt was worth it; in a lot of senses, I’m of the same mentality, I just worry about money a lot (parental issues haha). Travel whilst we’re able to though right? Would hate to be dying of the panic attack at 85 realising I have lots of ‘should would coulda’s’ =) Thanks for the support.

  7. I always underestimate how much money I need to travel somewhere. It sucks! Why don’t you go to Oz or New Zealand first and keep adding to your funds? That’s pretty much what I did when I couldn’t handle being home another second! Plus the money is sooo good in Australia. It’s actually easier to save there.

  8. Bobbi – glad to know I’m not the only one who underestimates the cost! I’ve done Africa now so the next stop is Australia and New Zealand starting at the end of next year – can’t wait!

  9. Sam

    I know it is hard and we faced the same stresses. Damn visa cutoffs! Cause more worry than good. But you are still so young and 5 years until thirty is a long time even if you end up falling for that guy or anything that comes along the way they are all life experiences and worth every minute.

  10. Shiv

    Sod it all, you live once, you want to travel.

    rack up the debt, i know that that is a very reckless thing to say, but i’m 1 week away from leaving to go travelling for the first time! (at the grand old age of 25…i’m 26 in 3 months haha!) and I just think…do what makes you happy.

    fuck it. literally, don’t do what society expects of you. society can be bullshit…look at our crappy coalition government…why should we listen to them?

    Do whatever you can to get travelling again 🙂

  11. Shiv – I freaking LOVE your comment! I feel like I’m starting a revolution after reading your words 😉 Thanks for the encouragement lovely and god luck on your own travels! 🙂