Learning to say goodbye

I started to change my life at the weekend…I began sorting through my things so I could see what I wanted to sell for my Australia fund and by the end of my sorting, I said goodbye to someone I will not missOld Me.

Saying goodbye and getting my heart back

 

You see, it’s not that I didn’t like the Old Me, it’s just that she didn’t like me very much.  She would take great pleasure in reminding me of times I had failed in life and made the wrong decisions, she would laugh because I wanted to be happy and would call me stupid for daring to believe that dreams can come true.  She wasn’t a nice person.

She knew my deepest darkest secrets.  She’s seen me cry myself to sleep and pace my room at 4am and whilst I thought she was supporting me, she wasn’t; she was just hanging around to stop me living my life.  She didn’t tell me jokes to cheer me up, she kept letters from ex-boyfriends reminding me of my broken heart.  She didn’t hold my hand when I was worried; she kept gifts that reminded me of painful people.  And she didn’t tell me that everything was going to be okay; she told me that there was no point trying because I was only going to fail.  And yet, she’s been my closest friend for as long as I can remember; I never felt as though I was ready to ‘go it alone’; never ready to tell her to leave.  She was a comfort because despite everything going on in life, I knew she would always be there for me but as I began sorting through my stuff I realised that I didn’t want her to be there for me anymore; I didn’t need her so it was time for her to leave.

So as I came across words I’d written at my darkest moments and gifts filled with memories of painful people, my urge to throw her stuff away grew stronger so I got myself a bin liner and began to fill it, leaving her further behind with every item I threw away.  Before I knew it I had a full bag.  A bag full of regret, painful memories, broken hearts and fear; all the things she had collected over the years which she had never thrown away despite me telling her to.

Don’t get me wrong, there were some tears as I threw her stuff into the bin; saying goodbye to a lifelong friend is incredibly hard but we’d drifted apart.  She wanted me to stay broken and I wanted to fix myself and achieve my dreams.  I don’t blame her for all the things she’s done to me over the years; we’re just different but I felt it was time to say goodbye and move on with my life.   

Yesterday my heart had a roommate called Old Me.  Today I have my whole heart back and she’s just called Me; I think she’s going to be my kind of girl

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22 comments

  1. Love this post!

    I’m really sentimental and hate to throw anything away that once meant so much to me… But when it’s bringing you down and not doing you any good then you’ve gotta get rid of it! 🙂

  2. Arh Toni, I am not the crying type but this really touched me. I’m so glad you’ve said goodbye to Old You and it sounds like you’re going to get on with the new you much better. She sounds like me kind of girl too.

    Congratulations on getting rid of all that old junk. It can be tough to let go but it sounds like you’re feeling better for it already!

    Out of interest, did you manage to collect much for your Australia fund?

  3. Very touching and courageous! Sending positive vibes your way 🙂

  4. Jen

    Ahhh sweety, how touching! Good for you embracing your exciting new future and letting go of the bad memories of the past, you deserve to be the happiest you can be! big love xxx

  5. Lauren – thanks hun! I think that’s the problem…I kept hold of them because they were sentimental but they were also painful so it felt really good to finally get rid of it all! 🙂

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  6. Monica – awww hugs to you Mon; glad you connected with my words…even if they did make you a little sad 🙂 It’s good that you like the new girl…you’ll be seeing some of her this year with much luck!
    And I’m definitely better for throwing away the things that I did; finally feel able to move on! Did I collect much? Ooh yeah…bucket loads; eBay stuff, car boot ‘junk’ and even a couple of things to take to auction and try and sell; keep everything crossed 🙂

  7. Craig – thank you so much for the kind words…I’m banking those positive vibes for when I really need them 🙂

  8. Jen – thanks hun 🙂 It’s taken me a long time to leave her behind but I finally feel ready…here’s hoping 2012 is an awesome year for us all 🙂

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  9. Wow! Our planets are aligning. I did the same thing this week. i have been decluttering and culling so much from my life. Part of that was my old journals which just housed a lot of pain. I don’t know why I was holding onto them, but i threw them out and it felt so liberating.

    I have written a similar post which I am publishing on Mojito Mother soon about it.

    Good for you. now you can move freely forward

  10. I love your openness and writing and just wanted to give you a big hug as I read this. One of my favorite quotes (and words to live by) is Eleanor Roosevelt’s “do one thing every day that scares you.” Saying goodbye to old you took on that challenge for sure!

  11. Good on you- You’ll be happier for this painful goodbye. Keep your head up!

  12. Heather – thank you for the compliments lovely lady 🙂 I love that quote, it’s so true…life is about being scared but living anyway right?! Saying goodbye to the old me was definitely a challenge but I’m so please I did it 🙂

  13. Erik – Thanks for all your support 🙂

  14. Caz – I love that you’ve done the same! I definitely agree with the old journals housing pain…they were one of the first things I felt had to go and you’re right; I don’t know why I was holding on to them either. I think we can pat ourselves on the backs for having the courage to finally be able to let go 🙂 I look forward to reading your post Caz and thank you for your lovely words!

  15. Toni, One of the really great things that can come out of your ‘cleaning out’ activity is the realization of how far you’ve come!! That ‘old you’ would have never let go! The ‘new you’ demonstrated so much more power and courage!! Congrats! Looking forward to following your travels and I know a few people in Cape Town, let me know if you need an introduction!!

  16. Love the way this was written! Changes in life can be good if they move us in a positive direction. Hopefully the “new me” you will like very much.

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  17. excited for you toni 🙂 happy 2012 btw, go for it and follow what your heart desires… we only have one shot in this thing called life… cheering for you as always 🙂

  18. Leslyn – ‘realization of how far you’ve come’ – I couldn’t have said it better myself 🙂 And thank you for the lovely compliments!

  19. Jeremy – Thank you 🙂 And you’re right, change can move us in positive directions. I look forward to saying hi to the ‘new you’ too 🙂

  20. Flip – Thank you so much for your continuing support 🙂 And you’re totally right as usual – we’ve only got one shot so make it our best! Happy 2012 hun 🙂

  21. I adore this post so darn much I can’t even tell you lady! So badass! The new you sounds like a cherrybomb go-getter and as you know I love that in a gal! Go you! xxxx

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  22. Emma – thanks chick!! Getting more badass by the day 😉 xx

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