I started to change my life at the weekend…I began sorting through my things so I could see what I wanted to sell for my Australia fund and by the end of my sorting, I said goodbye to someone I will not miss…Old Me.
You see, it’s not that I didn’t like the Old Me, it’s just that she didn’t like me very much. She would take great pleasure in reminding me of times I had failed in life and made the wrong decisions, she would laugh because I wanted to be happy and would call me stupid for daring to believe that dreams can come true. She wasn’t a nice person.
She knew my deepest darkest secrets. She’s seen me cry myself to sleep and pace my room at 4am and whilst I thought she was supporting me, she wasn’t; she was just hanging around to stop me living my life. She didn’t tell me jokes to cheer me up, she kept letters from ex-boyfriends reminding me of my broken heart. She didn’t hold my hand when I was worried; she kept gifts that reminded me of painful people. And she didn’t tell me that everything was going to be okay; she told me that there was no point trying because I was only going to fail. And yet, she’s been my closest friend for as long as I can remember; I never felt as though I was ready to ‘go it alone’; never ready to tell her to leave. She was a comfort because despite everything going on in life, I knew she would always be there for me but as I began sorting through my stuff I realised that I didn’t want her to be there for me anymore; I didn’t need her so it was time for her to leave.
So as I came across words I’d written at my darkest moments and gifts filled with memories of painful people, my urge to throw her stuff away grew stronger so I got myself a bin liner and began to fill it, leaving her further behind with every item I threw away. Before I knew it I had a full bag. A bag full of regret, painful memories, broken hearts and fear; all the things she had collected over the years which she had never thrown away despite me telling her to.
Don’t get me wrong, there were some tears as I threw her stuff into the bin; saying goodbye to a lifelong friend is incredibly hard but we’d drifted apart. She wanted me to stay broken and I wanted to fix myself and achieve my dreams. I don’t blame her for all the things she’s done to me over the years; we’re just different but I felt it was time to say goodbye and move on with my life.
Yesterday my heart had a roommate called Old Me. Today I have my whole heart back and she’s just called Me; I think she’s going to be my kind of girl