This time last week…

Passport stamps – wooo!

Originally uploaded by Toniwoni

…I was diving off Tulamben, Bali around a USS warship. This week I’m not and it’s that realisation that can bring a tear to my eyes.

But anyway…to finish my story from Bali about Brandon. Not much to tell in the ‘private party’ kind of way (a lady never tells…details anyway lol) but more about what happened afterwards. We’d had a ‘kiss and cuddle’ to put it in a polite way hehe but afterwards, he lay his head on my shoulder, wrapped his arm around my waist and fell asleep. He had a great night. Me on the other hand? I seemed to wake up every 2 hours on the dot (unintentionally) to make sure that he was okay and still breathing etc because he’d had a head injury (and I was feeling guilty I hadn’t forced him to go to hospital). Was lovely to wake up next to him though but you could tell that he was still pretty upset and shaken about the accident. I hadn’t told him I kept waking up to check on him but after I confessed to Francesa who replied ‘aww you’re such a mum’ she went and blabbed to him. I thought he would think I was a stalker or something but he actually thought it was really sweet and I got another kiss out of it so it was a pretty good thing Francesa did for me after all hehe

And now I’m back…and planning my next escape. Remember I was talking about heading back to New York next year for a holiday? I’m thinking of doing something a little more permanent instead. I’m not sure if that means simply moving towns or country but the research begins now. I just can’t do this anymore and I’m not prepared to. For aesthetics, my town is lovely and on a sunny afternoon over-looking the boats in the marina you could think you were in France. But when you look at the statistics…largest population of over-60s per km than anywhere else, highest bankruptcy rate and highest teenage pregnancy…it makes you take off the rose-tinted sunglasses. Before I could ignore it for the most part but after seeing/experiencing everything I have, I refuse to settle anymore. There’s more to life than this and I deserve to explore it whilst I still can.

Don’t confuse what I’m saying. Just because I’m upset that I’m back, it does not make me ungrateful for going in the first place. Liken it, if it you will, to the saying ‘it’s better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all’…’it’s better to have traveled and returned than having never traveled at all’. I’m simply saying that I can no longer accept the status quo when it makes me so upset and angry. My town, for me, holds 10 years worth of painful memories and I want and NEED to escape them. Call it running away if you like but if it makes me even an iota happier, I’m all for it.

Speaking of happiness…I didn’t think my trip had changed me much and certainly didn’t think I’d had any ‘life epiphanies’ (as people expect when you backpack) but when I was flying home etc I realised that I had to a certain degree.
The first being that my most important goal is to become a mum. That’s not to say that I’m going to go out looking for a one night stand just to give me a baby but I know that, when the person is right, it’s what I want. I really think I’d be a good mum and I have so much love to give it’s unreal. All my life whether it be school friends or random car-accident travelers, I’ve been a ‘mum’ to them whether I mean to or not; it’s just who I am and I know that having a child would be the best gift I could ever wish for.
Secondly, I realise that keeping people in my life that make me unhappy is not healthy and will do nothing but bring me down further. For years I have allowed certain people to take advantage of me and, in turn, make me miserable but I’m not willing to put up with it anymore. Whether they’re a friend or family member, it doesn’t matter; if they’re not with me, they’re against me and if they’re against me then they’re gone. It’s as simple as that. I shouldn’t and don’t deserve to keep people in my life that make me unhappy.
And thirdly, the biggest realisation I came to was about my career and that is that I want to write. When I was traveling I had a lot of friends and family that, for the first time, were reading what I had written. Meaning that, before they had started to read my blog, they had never really seen anything I had written and all of a sudden they were reading every time I updated and they were, I think, pleasantly surprised by what they came across. Before I knew it I had many of them telling me I had great talent and, for the first time in my life, I began to believe them. Usually I would pass the compliments off saying ‘it’s just something I like to do’ or ‘thanks but I’m not that good’ but you know what? I think I am (a little bit anyway!) My ‘problem’ is that I also love to help people (whether it be volunteering, walking a drunk guy home or listen to a friend at 2am) and I have yet to figure out how to encompass that into writing…but I’ll work it out; don’t you worry

And as for the rest of the crap in my life right now; I’d like to tell you how I really feel (lord knows I need to) but I made that mistake before and got burnt badly; I don’t intend on making the same mistake again. Let’s just say that I’m finding it incredibly hard having to learn how to live back in this country, my town and my home again.

So until next time…
Aloha!