Time, dates and days have no meaning…

Apologies for the small hiatus I took but as I said, I really didn’t feel like talking. If I’m honest, I still don’t but people were getting nervous that they hadn’t heard from me so thought I should stick on the happy face and update.

So. What’s happened over the last few days? Nothing. I’m still at Patong Beach…I know I said I hated it but it’s quietened down in the last week so the beach is nicer and more relaxing. Besides, the beach is gorgeous, the water is perfect and the sun is out…I can learn to ignore everything else.

In other news, I’ve been approached by the founder of a large travel website called Tripatini which has been named the ‘Facebook for travelers’ to write for them! I may even get paid for a post or two. Apparently he enjoyed the way I write (conversational and informal) and wanted to get me on board…I’ll let you know how things go. I’m amazed anyone would want to read ‘me’ for free let alone pay for my thoughts haha. In the meantime, check out the website for useful tips and information on all subjects and places.

Now we head to the best bit of the post…the Dear Mr letters…letters to people who I really want to give a piece of my mind to but I won’t because I’m British…

Dear Mr Pot-bellied Wealthy Foreigner,
Who do you think you’re kidding? You can pay a woman all in the money in the world to sit with you at the beach and hold your hand down the street but we all know it’s just business and nothing else. Do you really think we all believe you’re ‘partners’. And why are you paying for the whole day anyway? Surely it’s more cost-efficient to pay for the evening performance so why are you trying to kid yourself it’s anything more than that? And I really don’t appreciate you shoving it in my face on the beach…what you do behind closed doors is your business but how you act in front of families and every other sane person on the planet is another. Keep it in your pants and, in turn, your wallet. Yours faithfully, Your Disgusted (forced) Viewer.

Dear Pretty Boy,
Yes you’re good looking but the fact that you know it makes you the ugliest man out there. Not to mention the fact that I saw you during the day with a ‘massage lady’. The fact that you’re my age and paying for it speaks volumes for the type of guy you really are. Utterly stupid comes to mind first and foremost since not only are you getting ripped off but you’re putting your safety and health at risk too. I hope Karma catches up with you. Yours truly, Wouldn’t Touch You With a Barge Pole.

Dear Tout,
I don’t want a massage, a tuk tuk, DVD, sarong or ‘something’. I want you to leave me alone. And neither do I appreciate the ‘ooh la la’ or (when ignoring them) ‘you don’t talk to anyone miss? You must be having a bad holiday’ comments. Get lost before the urge to punch you gets a little too weak and my fist gets a little too strong. Yours sincerely, My Fist in Your Face.

Dear Europeans,
Woah ass ahoy! Yes ok, I’ll admit it, I’m jealous that wherever I see you in the sun all over the world, you have a gorgeous brown tone to your skin but you’re also recognisable because you always have yellow hair due to all the sun. Not only that but you always seem to have a lot of money and your wives have manicured nails and expensive bikinis. Again, I’m jealous and I’ll admit it. But what I’m really not jealous of is your tanned ass. And how do I know you’re tanned all over? Because you’re wearing thongs thinking your Peter Stringfello and sticking your ass in my face when you bend over! And it’s a banana hammock too. How many fashion faux pa’s do you want to commit all at once? I know where you’re staying and I’ve informed the tourist police that your money was stolen (why else would you be wearing so little?!). Yours always, The lady with scarred retinas.

Dear Aussies,
Drinking beer (and nothing else) all day does not constitute ‘keeping your fluids up’. I hope you have a hangover. Yours forever, Mrs Opinionated

Dear Sun,
I can’t decide whether to love your or hate you. Yes you kindly got rid of the eczema on my chest and back within two hours of lying in the shade. But, when you gang up with Mr S.Lotion, Mrs C.Salt and Mr X.Ma, you cause me to burn and be in pain at the same time. Do you think you could give it a rest? Many thanks. Raspberry Face.

Well, think that’s you all caught up. I’ve booked my accommodation down in Chalong Bay for my dive course beginning next Wednesday. I got a room for £22 down from £50 in a resort villa/spa. Yeah yeah, I’m a backpacker so should be in hostels but this is my trip and if I fancy some ‘luxury’ for a couple of weeks then I’ll have it.

Aloha!

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8 comments

  1. Oh your letters are hillarious and right on target! I’m on tripatini, it’s a cool site. Look me up, I’m under Rosalind Cummings-Yeates.

  2. Congrats on the possible writing gig! That’s very cool.

    Love your letters to fellow tourists and locals– the thong especially– Oy!

    Watch out for that sun. If I was there I’d let you have a close up of my formerly sunburned face from 25 years ago as an incentive to slather on the sunscreen A LOT (neck, chest and shoulders too!) That would reallllly scare your retinas 🙂 Trust me, you’ll save big bucks down the road on Botox if you’re careful now.

    I’m excited to hear about your dive adventures. You’re far more daring than me! I was never comfortable under the water and care barely snorkel but I know diving will be amazing!

    Enjoy and have a blast!
    xo jj

  3. Wow! Paid to write! I wish I could make some money. lol

    Sounds like you are having fun pointing out cultural flaws! hehe

  4. Otie – you SHOULD get paid for the fantastic stories you write! And what can I say? I’m a judgemental person 🙂

  5. JJ aka ‘My LA mom’ – I MAY get paid but I may not though I hope it’s the former hehe. My body is fine against the sun, it’s just my face because I have eczema. Believe me, I’m sitting under parasol shade all day regularly applying suncream but as I said, the eczema makes me very prone to burning and stinging 🙁 I went snorkelling today around some of the smaller islands and it makes me excited about diving! 😀 x

  6. Heya, sorry to have been out of touch, I was in the Faroes!!! I hope you’re enjoying your trip despite the ‘colourful’ characters you describe… and WOW congrats on the writing gig! You go girl! x

  7. Jill

    love the letters Toni! So a new career as a travel writer beckons????